Profound or just lack of sleep..

Brian gets totally frustrated with me during the summer. I am always doing a million different things, and I am constantly tired. Yet, I have a tendency to stay up until all hours of the night (1:00 am right now). I am not sure why this is. I have talked about this very trait with other moms only to find they do the same thing. Part of it is probably the peace that comes from a quiet sleepy house. For me, part of it is just because I can. During the school year I could never get away with staying up this late. 5 am comes early, and teaching middle school takes a lot of energy. Johanna has become quite the early riser this summer. Lately, she has been waking up between 6 and 6:30. I guess this is not that much of a difference from the school year, and taking care of a toddler definitely takes a lot of energy. Yet, here I am....still awake.

I go back to school full-time on Friday. That is not to say I haven't been working already. I have been working in my room almost everyday..including weekends. It is going to be hard to transition Johanna back to the craziness of the school year. Not that the summer hasn't been crazy. This summer has been especially hectic. But, school year craziness has a life all it's own. Plus, it reintroduces the age-old dilemma that many mothers face-

I feel torn between who I am at work and who I am at home. I am a confident, capable, knowledgeable professional who loves nothing more than nuzzling tousled hair and pretending I'm a kitty. I want to make a difference in the lives of children and show them what is truly important in life while showing my family that they are what is important in my life. I want to teach children to learn and show them that they truly have the ability to achieve their dreams and that their mind is a powerful tool, if they would use it. I want to teach them to dream big and that while they cannot control their circumstances, they certainly can control how they react to those circumstances.... may we all rise above. I want to instill these same values in my own child and show her the importance of helping others while still ensuring her that she comes first. I want to be able to hear her say "I woked up, Mommy" every morning and sleepily say "I can't take a nap" before drifting off to sleep in the afternoon. I want to play playdoh, bake cookies, go to the library, and watch Little Einsteins snuggled on the couch at 7 a.m. I want to go grocery shopping at three stores in one day and buy Jo a giant cookie at one of the stores. I want to always have time to find and let her drive the "car" cart and try to find the moon during the day. I want to draw sidewalk chalk, play at the park, and have picnics with special treats. I want to dance at storytime, and watch her take gymnastics. I want to pick berries and stop at the park to eat some on the way home. I want to read all the children's library books, push trains through the tunnel, build things with blocks, and put all the dolls to sleep "just like mommy." I want to be there for the student who has been hurt and abused by others, who feels they have no one else who believes in them. I want to show they that they can do it; they are valuable. I want to be there for the students who get evicted and lose everything they have or the student whose parent abandons them for a life of selfish indulgence. I wanted to be there for my student who committed suicide. I want to show them that there is hope, God loves them, they all have something to hang on for. I want to do all this without having to hear my daughter say "I miss you really much when you go to work mommy."

These are the things that keep me up at night....