Part of my trip included finishing some work at my former house that we are renting to another family starting Dec. 1st. I walked out of "my house" for the last time on Friday night. I didn't realize how hard that would be. I will admit it....I cried. Actually, I sobbed. For those of you who know me, this is a HUGE deal. Let's just say I am not much of a crier, or shall I call myself "emotionally challenged." I have a tendency to stifle my emotions and hold everything inside. This time I couldn't. I have so many memories in that house....good and bad. Johanna came home there. She took her first steps there. She has grown up there. I grew a lot as a person there. I entered that house as a 24 year old college student and left as an almost 30 year old woman and mother. I don't know where I am going with this except to say....It was difficult.
While we are riding the emotional roller coaster, I want to share a couple excerpts from a book that I am currently rereading (it's been years and I don't remember most of it). I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of Christian books about woman. They usually leave me feeling a huge sense of failure for who I am as a woman and mother. They often provide another list of things to do that I can never live up too. Thankfully, the authors of this book don't like those books either which is why they (John and Stasi Eldredge) wrote the book Captivating- Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. I still have a difficult time with books that lump a HUGE category of people (like women) together and say we all have similar feelings and desires. However, so far I am ok with the intentions of this book. There have been a couple sections that have resonated with me thus far (I'm only on page 29). I thought I would share them with you......
"I remember when I was ten asking myself as well as older females in my life how a woman of God would actually be confident, scandalous, and beautiful, yet not portray herself as a feminist Nazi or an insecure I-need-attention emotional whore. How can I become a strong woman without becoming harsh? How can I be vulnerable without drowning myself in my sorrow?"
My FAV part so far (I think because it gave words to so many of my emotions...great for the emotionally challenged like myself). I have heard many other women echo these same sentiments throughout the years:
Unseen, Unsought, Uncertain
I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.
After all, if we were better women- whatever that means- life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought- that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain- uncertain of what it even means to be a woman; uncertain of what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.
Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of is- whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder.
And in all the exhortations we have missed the most important thing of all. We have missed the heart of a woman.
Let's think on that for awhile.....
